Matthew 18:21-35; 24th Sunday in Ordinary Time

Peter’s question was a typical question Jews would ask rabbis. Something like the following: “Rabbi, on a Sabbath, how many steps may I do to feed my donkey, so I don’t violate the Sabbath rest? Rabbi, how many days after my wife’s childbirth is she considered impure? If I buy from a store that has a statue of Caesar, is that idolatry? Is it lawful to pay tax to Caesar?” And the rabbis would have all the answers. Kasi naman, ang dami nilang rules: Sabbath rules, dietary restrictions, Temple behavior, what you may/may not touch, words you may/may not say, etc. Now according to Jewish law, if someone asks for forgiveness but you’re not ready to forgive, you may ask the offender to come back later (two weeks, three months, a year), during which you have to prepare yourself to grant it. But it should not be an indefinite amount of time. Merong deadline. The offender, by the way, may ask for your forgiveness three times. But if you still do not forgive him after his third ask, the law imputes the sin on you. Interesting, ‘no? ‘Di ko lang alam kung saan nakuha ni Peter ‘yung seven times;probably because seven was one of the round numbers in Jewish culture. Jesus’ 77 times or 70 x 7 times, as we know, means, “Peter, forgiveness is not calculated the way you do steps, days, territories, or taxes. We forgive.”

When someone asks me the same question today: “Fr Arnel, how often must I forgive? How far?” I already know that the person is coming from a much more complicated place. He’s not asking for a number. Very often, he’s crying for help. “How many times, how far must I forgive?” really means, “No matter how much I try, I still can’t find it in my heart to forgive. The wound is just too deep. I’m still hurting. What do I do?” Some of us who’ve been hurt deepy, we actually want to keep hurting, you know. The agony gives us the energy to keep showing the offender, “You did this to me and as I live and breathe, I’m not going to make you forget it.”

Don’t get me wrong, sisters and brothers. It would be fantastic if all of us can forgive all offenses, large and small, in record time, all the time. Bakit ba hindi? After all, we’ve heard of people forgiving their abductors, rapists, their parent’s murderers. Some victims even become close friends with their victimizers and have gotten them into their church. Even Jesus himself said, “Father, forgive them,” while he bled and gasped to death…. But not all of us are wired that way. In our heart of hearts, we know the Lord knows that not all of us are wired that way.

From the experiences of people I’ve accompanied, as well my own dynamic, many forces make forgiving difficult. We didn’t grow up in a forgiving family, that’s one. We’ve forgiven the offender several times in the past, but they keep offending, like some employees. That’s another. They’ve used their power and authority to press us down and to keep pressing us down no matter the good we do, like some bosses and religious superiors. That’s a third. They demand that we change into more charitable people, but they’re blithely merciless themselves, like some pastors. That’s a fourth. Worst: they did us violence, physical, verbal, or psychological, and killed something in us, like some family.

So, what can we do if forgiving is not as easy as 70 x 7? I’ll just share with you three things I’ve learned about forgiveness, both personally and vicariously. I hope this helps. First of all, being able to forgive is a grace from God, a grace we must ask for. Kung aasa lang kasi tayo sa sarili nating lakas, hindi talaga natin kakayaning magpatawad. Even just the grace to desire the desire to begin to forgive, kahit ‘yun muna; the smallest desire to want to begin forgiving, kailangan nating hingin sa Diyos ‘yon. But because God very willingly bestows that grace, we must also try to bring ourselves to cooperate with it, without doing violence on ourselves. Secondly, and maybe this’ll sound odd, but you know, gratitude makes us forgive, if gradually. It’s like a roundabout way towards forgiveness. But it works for many people. When we cultivate thankfulness, we’re able to zoom out towards the larger picture. From there, we realize how very blessed we still are, sa kabila ng lahat. From there, we see that people who are kind to us far outnumber the jerks who blister us. So, gratitude makes us want to live and heal for people who love us. In such a case, forgiveness takes the form of self-care. We forgive for our sake and for people who love us. Thirdly, forgiveness is a process. The bigger the forgiveness, the longer the process. You just can’t hurry it, force it, or pray it away. Seeking professional accompaniment helps. Counseling or therapy gives us mental, spiritual, ans even physical tools in dealing and with our triggers. Lastly, it has helped me and the people I’ve accompanied to ask ourselves now and then, “How did I contribute to this problem? Kung meron akong pagkukulang o kasalanan kung bakit nangyari ito, anong kaya kong aminin sa sarili ko at sa harap ng Diyos? What can I honestly admit was my fault?” And lastly, apologizing is rehearsal for forgiving. If we wish to be more readily forgiving, we have to learn how to be readily apologetic. People who rarely apologize rarely forgive.

When Jesus said that the Father, like the master did to the unforgiving servant, would also hand us to the torturers until we learn to forgive from our heart, doesn’t that make God unforgiving? So, God contradicts himself as a forgiving, merciful God? I understand this passage this way. When we stay deeply resentful and do nothing about it, we don’t need punishers and torturers. Punish ans torture we do to ourselves. Just like Jewish law finally faults the unforgiving, we eventually hurt ourselves by choosing to vegetate in resentment.

My dear sisters and brothers, like good parents who love us to pieces, God, our Father is always poised to forgive. Always. In fact, I personally think, God’s predisposition is forgiveness, just like the default-mode of loving parents is forgiveness. ‘Yun bang bago ka pa man humingi ng tawad, napatawad ka ni tatay at nanay. So, the problem is not that God won’t forgive if we don’t. The problem is what we eventually do to ourselves when we remain unforgiving, even when God himself already wants us to heal, God who is kind and merciful, slow to anger and rich in compassion, 70 x 7 x 7 x 7 x 7…times.

*image from the Internet